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Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007
7:52 pm
So I'm reading this book... and the words stick out to me like a sore thumb:

"What ruined us was simple: at twenty-one you're too damned optomistic. Too sure life has so many wonderful things in store that you can afford to be careless. We treated our relationship like a dependable car that would always start and run, no matter how cold or bad the weather. We were wrong.
Things got bad very quickly. We were unprepared for failure and each other's dumb cruelty. When you're that young, it is easy to go from lovers to enemies in a couple of breaths. I began calling him Dog. He called me Bitch. We deserved the names.
So why, twelve years later, was that very same Dog sitting in an expensive hotel room when I came out of the shower, wet hair wrapped in a towel and pleased to see he'd made the bed? A bed we'd shared for the last ten hours with as great a relish as always between us? Because you take what you can get. Women love to talk. If you find a man who loves to listen and who happens to be a great lover, damn the rest. You're the one who has to live inside your skin and conscience. If you can visit an old lover and still revel in whatever things you once had between you, then they are still yours if you want them. Is it right to do? I only know that life is a series of diminishing returns, ending with too many days in a chair, sitting."

I don't know why these words found such resonance with me, but I suppose it's easy enough to see why. I really want to do the right thing, but sometimes it's not so easy to determine what that is.

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Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
11:35 pm
I finished my first final of the semester a few hours ago. I spent a full 2 days studying for it and i still feel like I might not have done well. On the plus side, I got my Ophelia paper back and i got an A on that, so that's exciting. I've got a metaphysics final in oh... 9 and a half hours and i have yet to begin studying for that. I dont know whether or not to take a nap THEN study or study then sleep. All i know is that friday is going to be a festival of sleeping in and spiderman-y goodness. Also dave has promised me a backrub. Booyah. I think i shall try to read through one of the meta-essays and then get some sleep... nodding off in front of computer.

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Thursday, April 26th, 2007
12:38 pm
I have a paper to be writing. It's supposed to be an 8 pg research paper and it's theoretically due in about 2 hours and i've got about 1 page done. It's not getting handed in today. Fuck that. I got hit on by a really creepy and socially awkward guy last night. It's a big deal that -I- can call him socially awkward, seeing as I am myself totally socially awkward. but yeah, he looked like coyote shivers and he kept touching me and trying to steal my hoodie. Not fun, though it did make for an interesting story to tell amy later that night. The horrors of not having amy at dinner. anyway, i had a really sad dream in which ian apologized for everything that's been going on as of late, took all the blame for the awkwardness, and just generally made things better... though at this point i dont really think there IS a making things better. Like, we could get past this whole phase thing he's going through, if it is in fact a phase, and get back together, but im never going to put all my trust in him again. it would never be the same relationship it has been up until now. I dont know, i just think it's such a cop out and such a shitty thing to do NOT to tell me what's really going on. If your reason changes, and youre still willing to spend the night with your ex, but your reasons just continue to change and not make sense then there's something else going on. If there's another girl, just fucking tell me. If it's erin, just tell me. If it's the sex, tell me. If it's really just the legal shit and the fact that your life is a mess right now, TELL ME! Don't try and make it be my fault, and say I'm doing something wrong (like i "act differently when there's relationship stuff involved"). No, I'm sorry.... you're the one who changed. Not me. You used to smile at me for no reason and touch me for no reason, just because you could. You used to grin involuntaraly when you kissed me, cause i just made you that happy. You used to call me first thing in the morning and last thing at night because you could and because you wanted to. You used to say i love you first. Now it seems, ever since about a week before your friend came home, you've stopped putting any effort into the relationship. If you call, it's to tell me you can't talk or dont want to make plans and you'll call me when you're free. I never asked for you to drive up here or take the train, although you know i would have loved it if you had. I, on the other hand, drove 75 miles for you, after you'd broken my heart the previous weekend, just to KNOW things were going to be awkward and strange and not the same. But i'm trying to be here for you in any way i can. apparently it isnt me that you need, but im still here. I dont ask much out of our relationship, or any other for that matter. Call me when you say you will, make time for me when you can, love me, be somewhat affectionate, dont make me feel like a burden, normal things that adults SHOULD be able and willing to do for one another. We're 22, i'm not asking for a ring, although you've already offered it (if you had the money). Don't push me away because of something stupid. We have too much for that. Whether that's friendship or friendship with the relationship, it's still too much to throw away on petty stupid bullshit. I know the past month and a half i've been a little crazy, and im sorry for that. I know dealing with me isnt easy when im like this. but ive tried as best i could to separate you from it and be myself when im with you. if i havent succeeded, again, im sorry. but again, this is not forever. i'm not always like this, and you arent always like this. When i came to you that night crying for god knows what reason, you said i needed to talk to you and we could work things out together. why cant we work this out together as well? why is this different? because you're the man and you should be able to deal with everything on your own and im a woman who needs help? fuck that. you know that isnt the way the world works. every time youve pulled this bullshit i've come to you. sure it shows my weakness, but it also shows that im willing to put in the effort. im willing to get hurt and get dirty because i know what a good person you are and can be when you want to. i have fun with you, even when we're just driving around singing along with the radio. i like joking around with you about stupid things and watching movies with you and drinking with you and waking up with you and going out to get food with you. hell i spend a good deal of my weekends walking through the same stores looking at the same crap just because I enjoy being with you so much. figure your shit out, then call me.

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
1:18 pm
I guess I keep on getting my heart broken. I put too much faith in people way too quickly, become attached (even though in this case he did too, talking about marrying me and having babies and moving in together within the first month) and things just fall all to hell. I dont know quite how broken this relationship is, and if it can be salvaged, or even at this point if i want to salvage it. I just want to be with someone who appreciates me and doesnt push me away when things are difficult, either for me or for him.

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Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
11:37 am
I had a really bizarre dream last night:

I was still living in my old house, only it had additions on it and certain things were different, for example the door to my room was a glass french door with shades over it and I had a dresser behind where the right door opened. Ok so I'm in my room and a seal comes in and asks if he can stay there. I'm kind of hesitant because I dont want my dad to find out but I say ok. Then another seal comes in and decides it's staying overnight as well. They both flop onto my bed and start sleeping. Then a ferrett or two come in and decide they're going to stay as well. Finally, a manatee (I think) comes in, kind of drunk-ish sounding and asks to stay. He plops down on the floor in front of my drawers and I curl up in a chair in the corner. For some reason I get up at this point to go to the bathroom or something and I realize that the front door is wide open. I go to shut it and as I'm walking back to my room my dad comes out of his bedroom in his underwear, only he is covered in tattoos. And not just any tattoos.... really lame tattoos. He has butterflies all over his back that make a kind of flag, a tribal symbol on one of his arms, and something else on his chest. I just kind of stand there and look at him and finally ask him what was up with the lame tattoos. He gets mad and storms back to his room. I follow him, and Stephanie and Josie are in there playing a game or watching tv or something so I join them for a few minutes. Then I go back to my room and realize that someone has been looking through my things because one of my drawers (under my bed?) has been opened. I look around and all the animals are tucked into beds neatly, whereas when I left them they were just flopped around my room. I look behind the door and I see Matt (someone from my work) standing there with a piece of paper in one hand and a cell phone in the other. He shows me the screen of the phone to say that he's called the police, only instead of it being 911 it's a symbol for jellyfish and 88. So I'm trying to prevent him from calling, and trying to get the paper back from him and he runs outside. The front of the house now is like the front of a hotel, because there's a parking lot and a lot of people walking around. I scream out "Stop him! He took my wallet!" and people start chasing Matt around and offering to call the police, but I tell them not to. Finally he escapes and I go back to my room. When I return, all the drawers in my room have been opened and their contents thrown around, there is paper and junk everywhere and the animals are gone. I walk over to my vanity to start cleaning up and I notice that there is a bomb on my bed. I run out to warn my family and call the police. However when I talk to the dispatcher she says that bomb threats are so common now that I'd need to be put on a waiting list and that the people who were at the top of the list had submitted pictures of their bombs weeks before. So I dont exactly expect help from them. Instead I start trying to get my family out of the house and away from my room. It's about now that I notice that someone is walking around out back. Hoping that this person can help me, I go to the back door to let them in. It's Ian from about 4 or 5 years ago and he's smiling. I tell him about the bomb and he says he'll have a look at it. A few minutes later he comes back to me and shows me a part of the bomb and says that he disassembled it and everything was ok. I thank him and he leaves, still smiling. I go back into my room to start cleaning again and I notice some weird metal thing going through my wall into the spare room next door. I walk into the spare room and trip off another bomb that's in there. At this point I feel totally fucked and start looking for Ian again. But I also start thinking that maybe he's the one who planted the bombs in the first place, and I dont know whether he's trying to help me or hurt me. At some point after this I run outside and I'm back in my old neighborhood and there are cars parked all around my house, including my uncle Jim's old, old, old truck that he hasnt had in years. Also, one of the people walking to my house is my evil professor. About this point I wake up and toss around in bed for about 2 hours then get up to go to class.

Fun times. My mind is so fucked right now, I cant concentrate on anything. I have a paper that's supposed to be due in 1 minute, but I havent even started it. Ive done all the research and all that but I have yet to put anythign down on paper. Needless to say it wont be in on time. I think that everything that's been going on lately has finally made me just fucking crack down the middle. It's hard for me to get out of bed, even when I can't sleep. All I want to do is read my books and lay in bed and not worry about anything other than what will happen in the book. I want this awful anxiety to go away. I want this awful depression to go away. I want the man I love to figure things out so we can be together. I want to be out of this damn heart monitor (luckily that one can happen in just under 3 hours). I really just need for school to be over so I can loaf for a few days and not think about how crappy and cruel life has been to me in the past month or so. It seems like everything is just falling down around me, although I know things could be infinately worse. However my body is in panic mode, as it has been for several weeks. Thus I've had trouble eating, sleeping, functioning on a day to day basis, dealing with people, driving... basically everything I need to do right now. I've been trying to fix things with medicine, by going to doctors and councelors, by talking with my mom or Ian or anyone who will listen, by doing all these heart tests, and by TRYING as hard as I can to at least appear that I have it together. Unfortunately I really dont have it together. Some days are better than others, but the past few have been really excruciatingly hard on me. My head and my heart aren't in the same place, and while my head tells me that things will be ok and everything will work out the way it needs to, my heart says only "i miss him so much and i wish things were still the same." I know that the last thing he means to do is hurt me, and in fact he's doing this in an effort to hurt me less, but the pain of not having him here when -I- need him is rather harsh. I just want a time machine or a pill that will put me to sleep until the world is right again.

current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
1:22 pm
It's really gross and rainy outside... Like snow mixed with rain. So its horribly cold too and I think I left my wool coat in my room at home. Sad face. I called the testing center today and I go in monday for my 48 hour heart monitor. I was kind of hoping I could just get it done over the weekend but no such luck. Oh well. It's getting done and that's what matters. It's April 11th, I have a little over half a month til this hell-semester is over. I can't wait. I need a nice, long fucking nap. I think I'm gonna take like 4 or 5 days off after school gets out before I go back to work. Just sleep and relax and whatnot. My 2 tests for the week are over, now what I have to worry about is my paper that's due next week. I need to get my videos from home this weekend and work on that. Should be interesting to work on the paper with that heart monitor on. Anyway... class in 10 minutes and Lewis Black tonight. Should be exciting and something to get my mind off all the ridiculous stress lately.

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Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
8:47 pm
Go here... funniest thing I've ever seen:

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Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
9:28 am
Tuesday is still my least favorite day of the week. I have classes from 2:30 until 9:30pm which is not pleasant, and in addition to that, we have health and safety inspections today. Woo-hoo. So when I wake up this morning, I came out to see what the damage is. We have a sink FULL (i mean this literally, they're stacked higher than the sink itself and then piled up on the counter and stove) of dirty dishes. This is kind of funny since I dont use dishes here... well I hardly ever do. Usually I get food from the cafeteria that comes in containers, and if i need silverwear i get plastic ones. Anywhoo, so I've just spent the past half hour+ cleaning that. Also, hurricane Amy has hit the left side of the room where she's been assembling her project. I dont really care that she has stuff all over, but it needs to get semi-straightened up before the RM comes. I dont really feel like getting fined.

So Ian's birthday is tomorrow, and since it falls on a wednesday theres no real way for me to go see him or do anything special. Also, I havent yet bought his birthday present. I know at least part of what I'm getting him, though it's been hard to get my hands on... Stupid comic book stores only being open monday thru saturday... But yeah. I need to drive over to graham cracker on saturday morning or friday evening if theyre open and grab that, and come up with something clever to give him besides. But I just got my ass on the phone and put the thing on hold, so thats a step in the right direction.

Gaaaaah I really miss him. I wish it were next spring already... Can I get a fast forward?? No no... not really. I just want to be done with school and in DeKalb with him and working towards something meaningful.

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Monday, March 19th, 2007
12:33 pm
This was possibly the weirdest weekend of all time.

Friday night, me and the roomies had a birthday extravaganza... since my, Amy's and Al's birthdays were all recently. We had cake and watched Shawn of the Dead, and played Clue. Also, I kicked major Clue ass. As if you had a doubt!!!!!

So saturday i woke up mega-early to head out to Aurora to see my mum. Got out there just before she was ready to head out, so I chilled at her apartment for a few minutes. Right before we left, mom told me that Jordan had gotten me a valentine, so he comes up to me holding this ridiculously pink bag and holds it out like a 5 year old... He's crazy and just silly at times. So I open it and its this stuffed frog, that has to be one of the scariest things ive ever seen. Anyway, so he's telling me all about the 'tricks' that the frog does, and saying it jumps from doors and stuff.... it made me really happy for my mom. <3

So then we went shopping. Again, this made me happy. Apparently I've lost a good deal of my freshman weight, cause I'm actually fitting into cloths now. Yay! So we found a really cute skirt and a dress that looked awesome on me, and a green shirt for me to wear later that night, and had some lunch then headed out.

I spent the rest of saturday, until about 8:30 just lounging around.... getting ready and reading and just generally being a bum, as one should on a saturday. So around 8 i got some dinner and headed out to Catlyn's house. When I got there, Lee was trying to put stickers on my nipples.... not pleasing! So yeah, we chilled there for a bit then headed out to a bar and met up with everyone else. Everyone but me was getting ragingly drunk, and it was rather entertaining to watch. After the bar we went back to Cat's and yeah.

Bad things started happening. Apparently the 2nd car stopped at the gas station where there was a girl who's ride left without her. WHy they thought bringing her back to the house was a good idea I have no idea, but this is what they did. This girl... the entire time she was there she was sizing me up. Keep in mind she was this skinny bitch, all tearstained and blotchy, and she was a good foot shorter than me. I coulda sumo-stomped her if i'd wanted to. Anyway, she's sizing me up, giving me this look like "i am more attractive than you... And im gonna steal your boyfriend." Ok, now if you know anything about me, you know that I think boyfriend-stealing is about the trampiest and stupidest thing you could do. And if you know or know anything about Ian, you know that he would NEEEEEEEVER cheat on me. You don't spend 10 years of your life chasing after a girl to fuck it up by banging a slut. So trampy ho is thinking she's gonna steal my boyfriend, and I go in the other room briefly to check my messages. Someone has called my phone pretending to be my ex... not a cool thing to do. I get upset and storm into the other room to find Ian. I give him my phone and he runs into the bathroom to listen to the message (cause it's quiet in there), comes out, and pulls me out onto the porch. There he FLIPS the fuck out. He's yelling and I'm yelling, and neither of us are doing this at each other, but we're both fuckin pissed. So he's telling me to give him my ex's phone number so HE can call and bitch him out. I'm trying to explain to him that it was one of my friends who called. Anyway at some point in this rather loud discussion, slutbitch steps in and asks my boyfriend to help her get a cab. Bear in mind that he's drunk and mad and there are about 10 other people inside who can help her do this. But no, she wants MY boyfriend to help her. Seriously, I should have just told her to go ask someone else, but a part of me still felt bad for her. So yeah, we go inside and they disappear for a while, so I go lay down, cause by this point I'd gotten about 5 hours of sleep total for the weekend. While I'm in laying down I hear shit coming from the other room "He needs to vomit-- he'll choke on blood-- oh my god its on the carpet" so i go out to see what happened. Apparently Cat hit Lee and he fell over and hit his face on the floor. So everyone is trying to keep him alive and all that, and Ian comes back. Somehow in all this, we end up back in the other room talking and he tells me that drunkskank has hit on him.. but she was gone by this point and even if she wasnt i probably wouldnt have started something with her. But yeah it kinda pissed me off to say the least. I know other people think Ian is attractive, and I'm glad they do because in reality, it's a compliment to me. I have good taste in men and I was able to get a really attractive boyfriend. But when they try to ACT on it and give me nasty looks, yeah thats another story. Luckily, my boyfriend loves me very much and would never, ever do something that stupid. So yeah. we stayed in there for a bit, then decided to go be social, stayed out in the kitchen for like an hour or so til everyone was getting sleepy... then we set up camp around 5 and didnt get to sleep until like 6:30 maybe. So in the morning I wake up and hear people talking... I'm thinking it's got to be like 10 or 11... no..... its like 8. But my body is like "you shall sleep no longer" and luckily for me, Ian woke up about 15 minutes later. So we rolled out and went over to his house for a bit, then went to B&N to look for his comic book since graham craker was closed. Then we went and bought bait for his dad. Fun times. But yeah, I had somewhere to be later and Ian had to go pick Lexy and erin up... so when we got back i left and headed home.

When I got home I yelled at Josie... cause in all the confusion of the night before I realized that it was her who called me. Hopefully I made her feel like shit, cause that girl needs to shape the hell up... if I'd done that kind of crap when I was 14, you better believe I'd have gotten my ass kicked. So i did that and cleaned up and changed clothes and headed to my aunts house where we talked about...... school...... and about my grandparents 50th anniversary.... and they interrogated me about Ian. FUN! Anyway, apparently I've really lost a good deal of weight cause everyone commented on it, and everyone said I looked really good. So that was a nice change. I stayed there for a while and left around 6.... came back to the apartment and passed the fuck out. Slept from maybe 8:30 or 9 last night until about 10 this morning... apparently I wore myself out. =\

Anywhoo that is my strange and mildly exciting weekend...

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Thursday, March 15th, 2007
4:47 pm
Blah, one thing I hate about living in Illinois is that it can never decide what season it wants to be. This week it went from BEAAAAAAAUTIFUL to "hi bust out those winter coats again cause im gonna get frostay. I want it to be 70 again!!!!!! I wanna go walk on the beach and have another picnic.... cause that was awesome, even though we lacked a frisbee. FIUGHWIEGBUG . Also, I am a little to retardedly excited about spider man 3.... And I think (unless I'm much mistaken) that it's during my finals week... GUESS WHAT MY STUDY BREAK WILL BE?! So yeah.

Ian's friend Mike is back from Iraq, and with that on top of all his other obligations (spending time with Lexy, work, chores around the house) I havent been hearing from him much. It's upsetting, cause he has all these distractions and things to keep him occupied and not thinking about me or missing me... I, on the other hand, have studying, reading, video games..... all things that permit thoughts of lonliness while im doing them. Sucks.

Alright, so I was going through my in-box on myspace today, and I made a startling realization. A mere 2 days before Ian and I got back into contact through myspace, my ex sent me a message asking about a post I made to one of my many blog-things. Normally this wouldnt be a landmark event, and in all honesty it ISN'T a landmark event... though I find it ironic that his message had gone unread for..... over 3 months. It got totally eclipsed (ba-dum-pum...) by all the goings-on with this old friend. And just in case he reads this: the entry was not, in fact, about you.

I am bored, oh I am bored, oh I would like to doooooo something.... but my roomates are both missing and there's probably nothing on TV and i dont really want to get back on WoW... so I think i'll go read or nap, OR BOTH! Huzzah my thrilling life.

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Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
9:27 am
Today is a bit better. I went to bed semi-early last night and got a much needed night of sleep. Also, while I was laying in bed Amy came in and gave me an "awkward bed hug" which was nice. In all honesty things could be worse and I suppose that's part of why im so run down right now. I know in my mind that things could be a lot worse and yet i still feel this way and there isnt a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. Anyway, today is better. The sun is out and the windows are open. And I have a paper on Hamlet due in a little under 12 hours, which kinda sucks but also it shouldnt be too bad, because its friggin Hamlet. At least I can write a paper on something I understood, unlike the Henry plays...... bah.

Also, in an astounding revelation to Al this morning, I came to the conclusion that if Diet Pepsi were alcohol, I would be drunk... all. the. time.

And thanks to those of you who care about me, it really is appreciated, more than you know. And thanks for being there for me, showing your support, existing, &ct.

current mood: sleepy

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Monday, March 12th, 2007
9:44 pm
Ok... this journal has really just become a place for me to vent and bitch when i have no one that will listen to me vent or bitch. I am really REALLY depressed. Why you may ask? No fucking clue, just my chronic fucking ass depression kicking in once again. I was on spring break all last week, so i got to be at home and spend some time with the family, but once it got to be like thursday i was just sad and lonely because i knew id have to come back. it wouldnt be so bad if anyone called me and tried to talk to me, but no one does. My dad calls me once every 2 weeks maybe... and usually thats just so he knows if im coming home. Even when i do talk to him its like 20 seconds and he makes an excuse to get off the phone. My mom never calls me, and god forbid any of my other family want to talk to me, even for like 10 minutes on the phone. Dont get me wrong, i love my boyfriend, but there are things about me he really just doesnt understand... and me being so isolated is one of them, as exhibited by his total lack of visiting me ever. And when he calls we talk... for like 2 minutes and most of that time is just.... flat and rather uncomfortable silence. I really wish that he were the one, or at least would comfort me when he knows im down. He tries, and i know he does... but somehow being around him right now just makes me feel more alone. I went out to dekalb to see him last night, thinking maybe he'd make me feel less depressed. When he came out on the porch, i just asked him to hug me and i started crying. I felt bad though and i stopped. I always feel bad for laying my burdens on other people. And i know he wants me to "talk to him" and "work things out together" but it doesnt feel like i really can. When i try to talk to him about something important he either closes his eyes or gets distracted by something else. I really just needed him to hold me last night. Just hold me and say that he loves me and we can make things better. And that I wont feel this way forever. Cause right now thats kind of how i feel. Totally isolated from everyone and everything important. I just want someone to understand, i want to hear a voice that isnt my own, i want for someone to love me and GET what loving me entails. I dont think he does.

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
12:14 pm
So 2/3 of my crappy week is over. I turned in my paper on Donne's 14th holy sonnet yesterday afternoon, and I took my metaphysics test yesterday morning. I know i didnt get an A on the test, but i at least passed it im sure. And the paper turned out rather well. Now i just have to do the 8 pg paper for my modern drama class. which is what i was worried about to begin with. also, i now have a cold and am possibly running a fever. yay this week -_-

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Sunday, February 25th, 2007
7:49 pm
Yea and ye shalt be knownst as the worst week evar.

So, starting about last wednesday, things have been rather craptastic. My metaphysics professor, who is chronically late and doesnt show up for class quite frequently, decided to take a personal day on wednesday and move out exam from friday to tomorrow. Normally this would not bother me, however, I have a shitload of other work due this week that I simply have been putting off. Such as the 4-6 page paper analyzing renaissance poetry thats due tomorrow as well... or the 8 page paper on The Cherry Orchard that's due thursday. So yeah. There's that. Then there's the fact that thursday was my birthday, and, granted many people did remember and call and drop me e-mails, no one really made a fuss over it. I went home for the weekend to see Ian and my family and the only person who said happy birthday to me was Jay. Kinda lame. Not that I really expected any more, but I guess I would have liked to be proven wrong in this instance.

Also, I planned to be back at school late last night or early this morning to work on said projects... however, when Ian and I went over to my house last night, I didnt think about the impending ice/snow storm. Aaaaaaaand we got stuck at my house. Which was kind of nice, to be able to see Ian interact with my family for an extended period of time. To be bluntly honest here, I'm rather impressed. No one I've ever dated has made such an impression on my family (in a positive way at least). He was polite, and gracious, and didnt grope me in front of my family (asside from repeatedly kissing me in front of Jay to gross him out... but this is after Jay was picking his nose in Best Buy, so it was fair game), and he was just generally a good guy. He even helped me clean up the basement so we could watch a movie down there without people walking around constantly. When I asked Steph what she thought it was all positive things, she was even impressed he was trying so hard to interact with everyone. But yeah, when my dad extends an open invitation to a guy, meaning he can come over when I'm not even there ("It'll be just like old times!! Haha"), I think I have my family's approval. I'm so thrilled!!!

So yeah, i've spent every minute of the weekend from about 5pm friday to 2pm today with Ian. Which has been nice, but now I'm feeling withdrawls. I really wish he were around more. Or I were around more.... something to that effect. I can't wait for summer. Hell, I can't wait for friday, SPRING BREAK AHOY! I just need to make it through 2 papers and a midterm..... blegh. But yeah...... I should get to work before it gets much later.

current mood: working

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Sunday, February 18th, 2007
11:15 pm
Ready to cry. No particlar reason... just depressed. Need for winter to be over and warmth to return to my extremities. Wanted my boyfriend to come over tonight but he couldnt get off work tomorrow. I get the feeling he'll come up here some day... just not entirely sure when. Kinda upset that he's not only gonna miss valentines day, but also my birthday. Which in effect, means the only friends i'll spend my bday with are the ones i live with. And i'll be studying for my exam anyway. Yay 10am philosophy exams. fun-tology.

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Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
9:49 pm
This valentines day sucks. Got into a fight with a friend over something stupid cause she's upset due to the fact she has no boyfriend for valentines day and views that as an excuse to be an ass about certain things... oi. I guess she doesnt understand that just because you HAVE a boyfriend doesnt mean that valentines day is magically not sucky.... take for example ME. My boyfriend had to work all day today and you know, basically bust his ass because thats what he does.... and then come home.... and NOT spend valentines day with his lady. Soooo yeah. Instead, he has called me several times and told me how much it sucks that we cant be together today.... trust me, i know. Not to mention the fact that we've been crushing on each other for years... and this is the first time we've been able to EXPRESS that and actually have a relationship... and now POOF! no valentines awesomeness for me. *sad face* Plus i've got a paper proposal due tomorrow. I havent started on it at all. it needs preliminary sources... four of them i believe. and i havent done anything... not even look at the topics. Oh well... if i fail i fail?? But i wont... ill get my ass in gear in the morning. I DID write a 5 page paper for my other class in just a few hours. Yeah, i am the self-proclaimed queen of procrastination. So yeah... i have the two red roses i bought on monday (one for me and one for frankie who did not end up being my valentine's date because she is sick and being an ass) keeping me company while i watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and try to will away this sense of hopeless mid-winter depression that always, always, ALWAYS blindsides me this time of year. Just what i need before my 22nd birthday... the feeling that my life is worthless and that ive been in school far too fucking long, and isnt it about time i got married? im not getting any younger you know. Im so sure thats what my grandma says to her friends. ("Oh my granddaughter, she's a nice girl... bit big around the middle, but pretty enough you know... Also a bit boy-crazy. I've never known a girl to find every wrong young man in a 50 mile radius... but she is getting to be -about that age- where its time to settle down and pop a few out, you know. I was 19 when i got married, and she's 22!! Imagine that...") Oi vey.

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Monday, January 15th, 2007
8:41 pm
I want forever to start now. I want to be done with school, completely. I want to be living on my own. I want to get married and talk about having a family and have a house and go grocery shopping. I want to be responsible for my own life and my own piece of happiness. I want people around me to TRUST that I can make these decisions for myself. I am a grown-up... I want to finally feel like I am. My 22nd birthday is in 38 days. I start the first of my last semesters in undergrad in a little over 12 hours. I've met the man I want to (and will eventually) marry. I just want all the other pieces to come to me. All I need now is the degree and the job. Everything else is easy.

current mood: optimistic

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Monday, December 25th, 2006
7:27 pm - Love is lovely,
Yes yes indeedy. An amazing christmas. Started in the arms of the man I love, woke up and spent the morning with my family, and spent the afternoon glowing with all my happiness. I dont think this month could have been any more perfect. The next few days should show whether things can get any better or not. Though, I'm not sure how it could get better. Definately up for the challenge though ;3

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Thursday, December 14th, 2006
1:48 am
So life has changed a lot in the last week or so. Ive gone from being preoccupied with work and sleep, to reconnecting with an old friend, to having a new potential boyfriend.... all in the span of about 5 days. Something about this works. Something about this feels right, like maybe I'm finally in a place where I'll let good things happen to me rather than trying to fuck them all up. Ive talked to a few people about the complications involved, and the general concensus is that if he makes me happy, if we want to be together, everything else will fall into place. There may (will) be complications down the road, if we decide that this is the right time, but we can work through it. You dont throw away a decade-long friendship on a failed relationship. So maybe all my ducks are finally in a row. I'm going back to school on January 16th, and if I manage to get housing before the term begins, I'll be moving back on January 14th. Ive got some money saved up in the bank from working all summer and fall, my tuition situation is taken care of, it's nearly Christmas, and I have a big goofy grin on my face for the first time in a very, very long time. I'm ready for this. I'm ready for something good.

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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
12:17 am
So myspace is evil. And now i've visited the myspace page of just about everyone that I work with. Some pretty interesting characters, i tell you what.

Other than that, just working all the time. I open in about.... oh 6 and a half hours which should be lovely.

I finally got my KH shirt and it is awsome yet slightly larger than i would have hoped... though it makes for excellent sleepwear. cell phone is almost dead, i really should charge it.

My aunt and uncle decided to apply for some tv show to like.... clean up their lifestyle. That might be interesting.

My bed has self-destructed into this massive, menacing pile of fabric and pillows. It's as if the left side has declared war on the right, or some such nonsense... because honestly, things like this dont just occur naturally. It leads me to believe that someone has been in my room YET AGAIN! Little shits.

Oh how I need a haircut. Perhaps i will do that this week... I should do it before friday.

Speaking of friday, for those of you who dont own a calander, its friday the thirteenth. which ironically (well, not so much) is the release date for the 13th Series of Unfortunate Events book. If youre in the area stop by my work cause we're havin a partay! (6 to 8 pm... you might even catch me dressed up) is generally boring. And i should sleep eventually although i dont want to as such....

Blah blah blah filler blah blah blah.

Death to bad cover songs!!

current mood: dorky

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